Tag Archives: therapy

…you will be the young man tending the garden…

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...the young man tending the garden...

…the young man tending the garden…

 

Nine years have passed since I last saw my dad alive. When I left his house that day, I knew I would never see him again. My soul actually hurt. My soul hurts again today. It’s raw, like it was that day. That’s when I did my mourning. When I knew I’d never see him again. I miss him everyday of course, but today…today, the feeling of loss is almost overwhelming. I know I won’t feel like this everyday, but for now the intensity of how much I miss him burns white hot.

We’ll see where this takes us…

 

 

The edge

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I am on the edge…

‏

…of happiness

…of raw emotion

…of contentment

…of deep sadness

…of my breaking point

…of bursting with pride

…of hope for what the future will bring

…of fear for what the future will bring

…of the abyss that tears my heart

IMG_4224 - watermarked

 

Thoughts for today

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my dad (taken by 3 year old patrick)

my dad (taken by 3 year old patrick)

I saw my dad for the last time a little over eight years ago. When I left his house that day, I knew I’d never see him again. As we backed our car out of the driveway, I just sobbed from somewhere deep in my soul. I got the call that he’d died late on November 27th.

I miss the warmth in his voice. I miss the out of control laugh. I miss him yelling at the Browns. I miss the knowledge he had about so many things. I miss his delicious ribs. I miss his uncanny ability to give directions from anywhere to anywhere.

The last time I saw him, he said, “Oh Lisa, you’re here.” So, he knew. He knew I was there. I told him I’d see him on the other side. I would be the little girl in the yellow dress, and he would be the young man tending to the garden.

We’ll see where this takes us…

 

 

Fun (?) facts

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I originally wrote this list in January of 2009. It is still mostly true.

1. I procrastinate. No, really.
2. I might be a bit sarcastic.
3. I have a thing for guys with long hair.
4. I REALLY miss my dad. It has been 8 years since I last saw him.
5. I have never been tired of my kids. Not once. Not ever.
6. I hate my house.
7. Flying terrifies me, but I’ll do it if I have to. Xanax.
8. I believe in God but, have no use for organized religion.
9. I played with matches with Bobby Armstrong when I was five…I NEVER did that again! I wish I could find him on Facebook, or somewhere.
10. I love slutty shoes.
11. I love Queen. Yes, still.
12. My mom died when I was ten.
13. I am not a housekeeper. I have lots of clutter. I am working on this one.
14. I have been married to the same person for 24 years. We are too lazy to fill out the paperwork for our divorce. 30 years…wow…
15. I am the middle child.
16. My children amaze me. Even more now as they move toward their adult lives.
17. On a clear night, on top of my hill, when you can see so many stars you can hardly see the sky…I sit there and stare up at the vastness of the universe in complete wonder and awe. That’s what keeps me centered. This has never been more true.
18. I enjoy the Marx Brothers.
19. I still have my favorite stuffed animal from childhood. You can read about him here.
20. I am trying to learn Italian. This did not work out so well.
21. Please do not tickle my knees!
22. I am a political junkie.
23. I have never eaten cotton candy.
24. I had fuchsia hair back in the ’80s.
25. I usually think the best time of my life is wherever I happen to be at the moment. The best time IS right now.

We’ll see where this takes us…

…with darkness

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IMG_6123

I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face

I can hear the sounds of life all around me

I can taste the goodness of cool water

I can smell the fresh breeze

I can see love in their eyes

Imagine how it would feel to be in a place where these things were there, within grasp, but be powerless to touch them

The sun’s warmth scalds

The sounds of life deafen

The cool water fills the lungs

The fresh breeze becomes a hurricane

The love in their eyes appears to be a vacant stare

Imagine living in such a place

Everyday

Feeling hopeless

Don’t panic…

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…in the middle of an unfamiliar, crowded grocery store.

I’d been to this store a handful of times over the years. As I tried to navigate my way through the produce, it became very crowded. There were too many people. I stopped for a few minutes to gather myself, and as the crowd moved on, I was able to pick up the things I needed.

As I wandered through to the bakery, I felt less dread, but I still didn’t feel quite right. I acknowledged the slight panic I was feeling to my companion and we moved along.

The next thing I knew, I was faced with an everyday decision. I had to decide what would be on the menu this week. I found myself unable to move. The choices were too many, yet not enough. There were TOO MANY people. Tears started streaming down my face. My companion was unsure of what to do. I was frozen to that spot.

After what seemed like hours (I’m sure it was just minutes), I was able to leave the store. It was painful. Each step felt like a million miles. I made it outside, where the cool air was most welcome.

It was exhausting. And scary.

We’ll see where this takes us…

 

 

 

White hot

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There are many things I didn’t understand until I became a mom. One of them is the white hot intensity with which I love my children. To say I was blown away by this feeling, would be a gross understatement.

I never knew until that moment, how my own mother felt about me. While I missed her before, it wasn’t until then, that I really, truly understood what I was missing.

We’ll see where this takes us…

 

No steps here

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Granny & Gramps 1976ish

Granny & Gramps
1976ish

When my dad decided to remarry, his new wife of course, came with a family. No kids, but some parents, and a sibling, and a somewhat large extended family. Here’s the thing… These folks took me into their lives like I had always been there. All of them. And for that, I will always be grateful.

At the time, there were no other “grand children”. The woman who married us asked if I would call her parents some version of Grandma and Grandpa. I didn’t see why not, so in short order, Granny and Gramps they became…to almost everyone.

Gramps passed away when I was 15, so I didn’t get to have him too long. To say he possessed a quick wit, would be a gross understatement.

Granny was with us until 2005. She never thought she was anyone special, but she was so wrong. She was perfect.

Granny was a beautiful woman

Granny was a beautiful woman

I could never begin to express how special I was made to feel. I spent most weekends with Granny. That continued into my late teens until we moved away. Even as an adult, when I would visit my folks, I’d spend a night or two at Granny’s place. That ended when she moved in with my parents. I would try to make it a point to spend some one-on-one time whenever I visited. One of our favorite outings was Malley’s, where I would have a hot fudge pecan and Granny would have a marshmallow sundae. Not to mention the Woolworth’s lunch counter, where we would have grilled cheese and fries!

There is so much more I could try to say, but words would never do justice to how I feel about this woman. She was a profound influence in my life, and I will always treasure the time I was able to spend in her company. We’ll see where this takes us…

Not enough

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My mom died in August of 1973. By the end of that year, my dad was remarried. Let that sink in… just less than five months…

There was hardly time to mourn. How DOES a child do that anyway? Is it important to keep traditions…Or is it wise to change things up? Is it a good idea to share stories… Or should we avoid “living in the past”?

After my dad married, it quickly became evident that sharing stories was not a good idea. For what ever reason, the woman who married US could not handle hearing tales of our family’s life that included our mom. We were told that we were “living in the past”. In fact, any mention of life as it was before, resulted in a rather large tantrum…that could last for days.

It didn’t take long for us to learn. Oh, someone would slip up every once in a while. Of course, it was thought to have been done on purpose. At least on my end, it wasn’t. I gave up most of the memories I might have had of my mother for this woman. That’s a lot to ask, no? I learned too late, it wasn’t enough.

We’ll see where this takes us…

True confession #1

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Spotty getting loved up by his cousin, Sock Munki

Spotty getting loved up by his cousin, Sock Munki

I still sleep with Spotty. He lives on my bed, next to the pillows. Whenever I pick him up for any reason, I give him a kiss. He’s been with me my entire life, so yeah, Spotty is also 51 years old. It’s been decided (by me), that he must accompany me to the afterlife as well.

Deadly sin # 6

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IMG_6701 - watermarkedI am at the age where many people are becoming the care takers of their parents. It cannot be an easy transition going from being cared for to being the one who is taking care. For either party. Even still, I am a bit envious. I ran out of parents many years ago.

You know, no one will ever love you the way your parents did. Ever. Sure, I have siblings that love me (and I, them), but it’s different. It wasn’t until I had my own children, that I started missing my mother (d.1973). I really don’t remember her, but I knew, the minute I fell in love with my first child, just how she felt about me. It was devastating.

I am envious, not because of the amazingly hard task many of you face, but for the many years you got to be someone’s child.

We’ll see where this takes us…

Take care of her. Please.

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IMG_7654 (2)I seem to be the type of person people generally trust. My life is a pretty open book, but I will take your secret to my grave. I will listen and offer whatever advice I can. There have been countless hours literally holding someone’s hand while their life has spun out of control, each of us powerless to stop it. At times, for some reason, people seem to think I have all the answers. And sometimes, many times, this is a huge emotional burden. I’ve actually found myself actively avoiding new relationships for this reason.

So, what happens when the person who takes care of everyone needs someone to take care of her?

I was taught to be a “pull myself up by the bootstraps” kind of girl. It did not seem like there were other options. If I ever did have any sort of pity party, I was simply told how lucky I was and how there were people that had it so much worse. Basically, that I should get over myself.*

I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed, or sad, or scared. I’ve found myself stuck in situations that seemed endless and hopeless. During these times, for the most part, I found myself emotionally twisting in the wind. And, while my rational mind understands that some of the people in my life cannot cope with my issues, my emotional mind feels somewhat betrayed.

I have invested more into the well being of the people who inhabit my world than they will ever know. I have done this because I love them and want them to be well. Would I do it again…? Without a doubt.

We’ll see where this takes us…

. *more on this some other day

Just a fact

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So. I’ve already lived most of my life. I know what you’re thinking… How depressing… You’re still young… Why would you say something like that?!

It’s no big deal, really… It’s just a fact.

Yeah, the speed at which time passes startles me. Maybe more than I really care to admit. Where DID the time go? How did I get from here…

My dad and me October 1962

My dad and me
October 1962

…to where I am? I LOVE my life. Now. That was not always true.The thing is, all of our experiences, good and bad, make us who we are. What would you go back and change if you could? What would be the consequences? Would a small thing make an enormous difference… Or, would a really big thing, change little?

So much to ponder… We’ll see where this takes us…

I’m writing a blog…!?

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Yes. Yes I am.

Please read along and help me diagnose my own particular brand of crazy. This is way cheaper than therapy. AND it might be helpful to get the input of not only folks whose acquaintance I currently enjoy, but maybe a few strangers as well.

I can’t promise to be witty and charming (like in real life) all the time. Therapy is not always pretty. I will put myself out there and discuss anything and maybe even everything. We’ll see where this takes us…

Please feel free to comment away, and share if you feel like it.