This is a photo of a Tonka backhoe. It was left in the sand box one day by my boys many years ago. I found it today, after cutting away many overgrown vines, in the spot where they played with it for the last time.
It struck me as a kind of sad…one day this much loved toy, was never played with again. When was that exactly? I couldn’t say. I just blinked, and they were grown.
We’ll see where this takes us…
I am on the edge…
…of raw emotion
…of deep sadness
…of my breaking point
…of bursting with pride
…of hope for what the future will bring
…of fear for what the future will bring
…of the abyss that tears my heart
I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face
I can hear the sounds of life all around me
I can taste the goodness of cool water
I can smell the fresh breeze
I can see love in their eyes
Imagine how it would feel to be in a place where these things were there, within grasp, but be powerless to touch them
The sun’s warmth scalds
The sounds of life deafen
The cool water fills the lungs
The fresh breeze becomes a hurricane
The love in their eyes appears to be a vacant stare
Imagine living in such a place
What IS next?!
Maybe the big city…? Probably not…
I know this is not the last place I want to live. I have a not-carved-in-stone timeline of 5ish years. This house that has been my home for the last 26 years will be put up for sale. While I may be a bit nostalgic when it sells (after all, I raised my kids here), I won’t be sad. I will be thrilled by the possibilities that lie ahead.
I have been thinking in earnest about how the next part of my life should look. There are so many choices! It’s exciting and scary at the same time. It is certain that I will live in a place where I can walk to the corner for a cup of tea. After all of this time living on the edge of the middle of nowhere, I don’t want to have to take my car out every time I want or need to grab a few groceries. Beyond that, it’s anyone’s guess as to where I might end up.
Perhaps, back to my mid-western roots. Maybe, some place tropical. Or, will the west win out? It sure is a big world out there. We’ll see where this takes us…
So. I’ve already lived most of my life. I know what you’re thinking… How depressing… You’re still young… Why would you say something like that?!
It’s no big deal, really… It’s just a fact.
Yeah, the speed at which time passes startles me. Maybe more than I really care to admit. Where DID the time go? How did I get from here…
My dad and me
…to where I am? I LOVE my life. Now. That was not always true.The thing is, all of our experiences, good and bad, make us who we are. What would you go back and change if you could? What would be the consequences? Would a small thing make an enormous difference… Or, would a really big thing, change little?
So much to ponder… We’ll see where this takes us…