…in the middle of an unfamiliar, crowded grocery store.
I’d been to this store a handful of times over the years. As I tried to navigate my way through the produce, it became very crowded. There were too many people. I stopped for a few minutes to gather myself, and as the crowd moved on, I was able to pick up the things I needed.
As I wandered through to the bakery, I felt less dread, but I still didn’t feel quite right. I acknowledged the slight panic I was feeling to my companion and we moved along.
The next thing I knew, I was faced with an everyday decision. I had to decide what would be on the menu this week. I found myself unable to move. The choices were too many, yet not enough. There were TOO MANY people. Tears started streaming down my face. My companion was unsure of what to do. I was frozen to that spot.
After what seemed like hours (I’m sure it was just minutes), I was able to leave the store. It was painful. Each step felt like a million miles. I made it outside, where the cool air was most welcome.
It was exhausting. And scary.
We’ll see where this takes us…
What IS next?!
Maybe the big city…? Probably not…
I know this is not the last place I want to live. I have a not-carved-in-stone timeline of 5ish years. This house that has been my home for the last 26 years will be put up for sale. While I may be a bit nostalgic when it sells (after all, I raised my kids here), I won’t be sad. I will be thrilled by the possibilities that lie ahead.
I have been thinking in earnest about how the next part of my life should look. There are so many choices! It’s exciting and scary at the same time. It is certain that I will live in a place where I can walk to the corner for a cup of tea. After all of this time living on the edge of the middle of nowhere, I don’t want to have to take my car out every time I want or need to grab a few groceries. Beyond that, it’s anyone’s guess as to where I might end up.
Perhaps, back to my mid-western roots. Maybe, some place tropical. Or, will the west win out? It sure is a big world out there. We’ll see where this takes us…
I seem to be the type of person people generally trust. My life is a pretty open book, but I will take your secret to my grave. I will listen and offer whatever advice I can. There have been countless hours literally holding someone’s hand while their life has spun out of control, each of us powerless to stop it. At times, for some reason, people seem to think I have all the answers. And sometimes, many times, this is a huge emotional burden. I’ve actually found myself actively avoiding new relationships for this reason.
So, what happens when the person who takes care of everyone needs someone to take care of her?
I was taught to be a “pull myself up by the bootstraps” kind of girl. It did not seem like there were other options. If I ever did have any sort of pity party, I was simply told how lucky I was and how there were people that had it so much worse. Basically, that I should get over myself.*
I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed, or sad, or scared. I’ve found myself stuck in situations that seemed endless and hopeless. During these times, for the most part, I found myself emotionally twisting in the wind. And, while my rational mind understands that some of the people in my life cannot cope with my issues, my emotional mind feels somewhat betrayed.
I have invested more into the well being of the people who inhabit my world than they will ever know. I have done this because I love them and want them to be well. Would I do it again…? Without a doubt.
We’ll see where this takes us…
. *more on this some other day
Yes. Yes I am.
Please read along and help me diagnose my own particular brand of crazy. This is way cheaper than therapy. AND it might be helpful to get the input of not only folks whose acquaintance I currently enjoy, but maybe a few strangers as well.
I can’t promise to be witty and charming (like in real life) all the time. Therapy is not always pretty. I will put myself out there and discuss anything and maybe even everything. We’ll see where this takes us…
Please feel free to comment away, and share if you feel like it.